What is Intergenerational & Family Mediation?

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Intergenerational Mediation (sometimes known as Elder Mediation) is when people commit to using a mediation process to make important decisions as an extended family in a way that is respectful, understanding and compassionate of each family member's anxieties, hopes, needs and opinions.  Intergenerational Mediation addresses conflicts with or about family members of advanced age, with a focus on their particular concerns and needs. 

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Extended families also make decisions together related to other major life events, including marriages, divorces, deaths, births, caregiving, financial gifts and loans, family businesses, celebrations, secondary education, religious and cultural upbringing, inheritances, and relocations which I refer to generally, as Family Mediation. 

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Note: Family Mediation is widely known for it's success in facilitating separation agreements in divorce proceedings.  At Reset Mediation, I focus mainly on disputes that have implications for the broader family system (which can include changes following a divorce or separation) and/or other major life events and challenges.  Please reach out for a free consultation to see if my services are the right fit for you.          

 

Why is trying mediation important? 

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When families experience conflict in decision-making, not only does it create additional stress, it can rob the family members of their most trusted support system.  A normal (but often problematic) response to family conflict is to try to persuade, argue, exclude, gossip, out-vote, pressure and sometimes force or trick people into compliance. Even when done with the best of intentions, this type of communication can cause massive, long-term damage to family systems and the be truly painful to the individuals involved.  It can leave individuals feeling disrespected, judged, misunderstood, ganged up on, left-out, unloved or unimportant.  

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Families are a extremely important social groups that can provide love, support and a sense of belonging and community.  Mediation is a strategy to ensure that those relationships (and the individuals in them) stay strong and healthy while navigating all the complex and challenging stages of life and the tough choices that come along with them.  

 

Why do close, happy families experience conflict?

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As families travel through the stages of life together, they are observers and participants in the joys and challenges each member experiences, and this  develops a strong sense of joint identity. Every family has their own unique culture developed through shared experiences, values, family lore and traditions.  Each family member has their own responsibilities and roles to play in the family system (for example: caregiver, comedian, person who always needs rescuing, person who remembers everyone's birthday, person who keeps the peace).  Family members often feel they have seen it all and know everything about each other.  However, families are made up of individuals with rich, complex inner lives and opinions, who grow, change and falter. 

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In times of great change, stress or grief, it is very common that families who normally get along very well, can find themselves divided and the world can feel like it is upside down. When it comes time to make important, sometimes life-changing decisions together, it can feel shocking when individual members step outside their typical role, offer an unexpected opinion, or go against the wishes of the larger group. 

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Humans struggle with reasoning, memory and long-term thinking when they are experiencing a stressful or traumatic event, and it can be very challenging to navigate differences of opinions when everyone is operating in a heightened state.      

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Can mediation help a family that never gets along? 

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Yes.  Families that typically struggle to communicate in a group setting will likely benefit immensely from having some formal guidelines in place to guide their conversation and a facilitator present to make sure they stay on topic and no one is trying to bully, intimidate, humiliate or abuse any participant. Family members may also choose to benefit from conflict coaching alongside group mediation sessions, to help develop skills that will improve their communication with each other and improve their relationships.  

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Screening is done prior to all Reset Mediation sessions and in most cases, the mediator will also have initial conversations with family members one on one prior to any group sessions to ensure that their individual concerns are fully addressed and the process is designed in a way that everyone involved will feel safe and respected. If the facilitator sees that a participant in the mediation is repeatedly breaking the agreed agreements for conduct, or is being coercive or otherwise abusive, the session will be stopped. 

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What kind of decisions do families mediate?  

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Families typically make decisions around times of change, like births, relocations, divorce, re-marriage, retirements, illnesses, end-of-life care and deaths.  Each of these changes can introduce elements that throw a wrench into the normal family dynamic and can cause conflict.  Below are examples of some common areas of  conflict, disagreement or uncertainty that families could choose to navigate through a mediation process.  

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